Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
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If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror: