He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
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back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
2022: I can fix it
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here