Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
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*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?