I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
You Might Also Like
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Yup.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?