The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
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hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
I’m a bad influence on myself.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”