The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
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Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!