Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
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2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Teach your children to beatbox
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?