This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
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ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
opening a flower shop called women in stem
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant