Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
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{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
The French cow says MEUX…
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Not all heroes wear capes…
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so