You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
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Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
“Why you watching this shit?”
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?