*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
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[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
“Wait, let me explain..”
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.