Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
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A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
#parenting
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day