[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
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How do I rate our solar system?
One star
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
#SCOTUS one-star review
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.