No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
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Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.