technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
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Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?