Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
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“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.