I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
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Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal