We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
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I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…