Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
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[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji