Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
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My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan