Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
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Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs