[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
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everywhere a sign. ⚠️
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
I would move hell over six inches for you
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
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I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…