i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
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me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Good boy 😂😂
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
When someone says you are so lazy
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”