Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
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My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now