Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
You Might Also Like
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
What the dentist sees
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Anime is real
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
my mom making me talk to relatives
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this