“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
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I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.