Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
You Might Also Like
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring