Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
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My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
How high do the levels go?
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?