“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
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As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale