“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
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ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
😅🤣😂
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Why does laundry happen to good people?
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
This has made my week.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”