[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
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Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Banana is the quietest snack
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
bro what is going on at twitter
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
ok this is my dumbest yet
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.