I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
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Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Social Media and Real life
Thank you corporation very cool
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only