The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
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Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Duck typos.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE