people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
You Might Also Like
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.