Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
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A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy