last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
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The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Me irl
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.