My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
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A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Batman v Dracula
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
dads on road-trips be like
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic