Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
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Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
I drew y’all a little something.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.