If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
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dude it’s called proctologist
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…