If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
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*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
My dad is at it again
i will avenge u mr van gogh
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”