I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
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You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.