People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
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Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.