I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
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NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.