Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
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If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
We’ve all been there…
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
guilty
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents