to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
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*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.