[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
You Might Also Like
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Siri: Retweet me.
this is the best day of my life