“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
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If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.