Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
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If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.