Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
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That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
584.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.