*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
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“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew